Friday, December 12, 2008
Eventful. This is how I describe my year...so many have happened...some things have gone wasted while some have been readily achieved. I was sure that for the past months, I never really thought that my year would be like this. And now it's as if it just happened yesterday...all turned into mere memories.
First, I started the year re uniting friendships, building old relationships, meeting special friends. Then, I had to endure this terrible pain, agonizing moments like chips off my frame. I was like wallowing behind unknown foes and shadowy lanes. I found myself deciding on matters which would lead me to either past or present. And slowly, I had to find my way in each of them. Full of decisions, surprises and re makes, hehe.
Then there came the survival and acceptance of whatever fate has for me. I decided to continue what would be best for everyone and I had to be firm and strong-minded.
In the end...I realized that regardless of how many adventures or events, I should be ready to fill in the emptiness and have it full with more surprises.
In short...I was taught the biggest lesson and learned.
Oh my!!! I can't even tell how mixed my reactions and emotions were, how lively my days had been, how such had turned from boring to simply carefree...wandering. I never even knew how lucky I was to be here and face the progress, for at some point I felt I'll be dying and will soon be meeting death. Mellow dramatic? Maybe, but that's the only way I got in describing what has been with me this past 2008 and frankly, I am beginning to realize the awe and excitement behind every despair...loss...discouragement.
I can definitely say anything and be with everyone I want but it did not erase the fact that this year, I also spent time with mindful, cold-hearted people. And would you believe how simple things can turn your life around in an instant? Geez, life is incredibly wonderful.
Life is all about love still.
Love on the contrary cannot always be your life. Be smart in choosing who to love.
Trust is power. It can make you see the goodness and once broken, can leave you defenseless.
Getting over and moving forward is a process. It takes time to forget and heal.
Gratitude is something that you must give sincerely. Appreciate whatever life has in store for you...see everything with both eyes open.
God...as always...will never leave you. He will be there at your darkest moment and keep you close once you're in dire need. He will supply with air like one tank in re fill.
2009 will be the beginning and culmination of everything I learned and kept...
May God continue blessing us!
Keep the faith!!!
Love and be loved....
Cheers and kudos for a fruitful year!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Yes...it's the latest craze after Harry's and is expected to rise even way beyond it.
You have to give full credit to Stephenie Meyer for writing this series of tales, a saga that's waiting to evolve from something scary to romantic. None other than..."Twilight."
Honestly, I have started collecting books after buying my first set- The Harry Potter series then it was soon followed by C. S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. My addiction for fantasy is somewhat made real through these books and glad that I did.
"Twilight" is bent on becoming a classic. Aside from the fact that it appeals to a wider audience, it also catches the attention of vampire stories' enthusiasts around the globe. It was beautifully written making use of vivid descriptions and intensified emotions; it transcends the fluidity of life in time and makes love a complexity worthy to own.
Got to say the characters evoke in them personalities of pros and cons; the highlights of the story marked by Edward's mysterious facade and Bella's inquisitive approach. You will notice the writer's expertise as she shows the details through descriptions as if each setting is being seen at hand. You will naturally feel how each page makes you crave for more as if you're one vampire on the hunt...
I really can't wait to watch this film come November 26th though I have to wait further than that. And since my insatiable thirst for this romantic adventure won't be quenched for now...the least thing that I can do was to draw first blood in buying the second book entitled "New Moon."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
As of this writing, I'm still in the process of reading and hopefully finishing the book. I wanted to do it so bad that regardless of my schedule, I would keep track and make sure I'll read a page or two.
Here's something that I want to share with you guys, a passage more so an excerpt from the book. This has something to do with living our dreams; creating what must be created to continue whatever our hearts feel of doing...
"We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul,just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming...what's important is knowing that both sides were fighting the good fight."
"The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us...Today, though, the world has changed a lot, and the good fight has shifted from the battlefields to the fields within ourselves."
"The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within...we kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."
After reading these, I began asking if I did fight the good fight? Am I really living my dream? Honestly, I felt that I did go into battle not against another person but within. There were times before when I felt I cannot develop something out a very frustrating situation or let's say I have sort of given up. But things have changed and made me see the value of living for your self...your dreams...your seemingly dead wants. I began to realize that whatever it is that my heart really desires, a way would reveal itself. That any time lost isn't a waste...
If living the good fight means huge waves of trials then so be it,
If living the good fight means digging the past and resolving with it, then I am prepared.
If living the good fight means facing your biggest fears, then I will be proud to contend with it, giving all I have for my dreams sake.
We are heading on different roads...pursuing our own destinies. Declarations of hope are like declarations of inner voices, always seeking to be heard.
We have ambitions, needs and aspirations either for ourselves or for others. Just remember, that wherever life takes you...your heart will be your saving grace.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
* There are ways to enrich oneself...nurture your gifts. All you have to do is acknowledge, seek them out and earn your way through it.
*Patience is hard work's kin. They go together so well that beautiful and inspiring things surround them.
*Life is a drawer with us serving its keys.
*Finding the rightest thing could lead us to roads less traveled.
*Earn for yourself the kindness of strangers and there you'll see more friends.
*Love as if you run out of time and each act will last forever.
I don't know how they come about and speak to me like murmurs in the wind. To me, they are expressions of my inner conscience; adaptations of cryptic knowledge.
Whatever message they convey, I do hope each comes as a lovely present that will bring me happiness and enlightenment.
Friday, October 31, 2008
I was severely hurt by people who I trusted and often did I question why.
I was being battered emotionally by the ones who acted as friends yet reveal themselves as enemies.
Each letdown was painful and memorable...like a wound that never heals.
After my Grand father's death, I vowed to live the life I wanted.
I started to write and pursued it as a career and I did.
I opened new doors for other people and did they enter.
I, again became a feeling human after seven years of secluding my pains and in more ways was I've been blessed.
I have made a picture of myself achieving things which I foremost just dreamed.
I have renewed ties and re built forgotten relationships.
In less than a year, I felt that I was truly living and my Grandfather's demise proved to be a new beginning.
I must admit that I blamed myself for a lot of things, for reasons either personally inflicted or provoked by someone else.
I have lived and became quite fearless and in so doing, I commanded respect but gained a number of mistakes...ones which I will never be proud of so to speak.
Still, I opted to do the inevitable and change...for I want and have to.
A leap of faith became my greatest agony and for that I have began to feel that my acts are unforgivable.
The act of forgiving is tough as much as it is hard to forget.
It's ironic that at a time when I thought I have flown and defied boundaries, there would be times when I need to seek and learn to forgive.
Forgiveness for things I have done wrong.
Forgiveness for time wasted.
Forgiveness for not being true and real...
My grandfather died and I never had the chance to speak with him...
A year had passed and I am sort of grieving...
But I knew that the last thing he wants is for me to carry the burden and be incapable of forgiving...
That is why I need to do so and begin with myself.
From here on, My Grandfather's life would be celebrated....
His memories will never fade...
I thank him for giving me reasons to re think my life and act on them with faith.
Your life would be our vision...something that will guide us in knowing what has to be dealt with.
That we may find the need to spend days with loved ones, friends and family.
Yours was a life that is felt and shared.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
It is never easy. In fact, it is always difficult and hard to take. But remember- the harder the steps, the greater the reward.
We should not be tied up with past problems as it will consume you...break you. Thinking of problems and heart aches over and over will make you feel weak and ill. You will feel lonely and depressed; you will eventually give up and lose everything you worked hard for.
In making these steps, remind yourself of good things and blessings.
Reward yourself with minor achievements. Successful people revel on goals fulfilled and jobs greatly finished.
Gratitude is essential in seeing beneath life's treasure chest. God is great for he remembers and never forgets. He showers us with love and not just second chances.
Prioritize and never compromise loved ones and family. Be thankful for them. Surround them with affection and support their needs in ways you can.
Start your day with a prayer and end it with affirmation. Compassion is evident in words of heart and inner self.
Moving on does not only refer to a broken heart or unfulfilled promises. It has something to do with living and continually seeing life.
Moving on is like sailing the ocean amidst angry waves; a journey which will make you stronger and happier.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
In the past, I tend to believe people right away. Bearing in mind, that each person has within him this certain kind of truthfulness that will make you trust him. A stranger's ways could lead to friendships and stable relationships, lasting the test of time and struggles. I am very lucky for I have known people who can be trusted and believed in.
In the course of one's life, we are either destroyed or damaged by irreversible consequences brought by distrust and betrayal. And often, we find it quite hard to get back to where it all started. A friendship whose value remains in years can be tainted by issues relative to money or petty fights; others could have been due to arguments leading to eventual pain and severity of words said; some of which had lasted bearing in one's heart the arguments and misunderstandings. There is always the pride that keeps us from being humble and make us believe again, that something can be relived and tried the second time. But can you actually blame yourself for not giving these friendships a second chance?
All of us has different takes on this one. Some may argue how important life is to be wasted away just like that; how life is too short just to ignore people who want to be a part of your life. As for me, sure life is short, life is valuable so is time, yet it does not mean you have to re consider everything and definitely everyone.
The extent of the hurt, the act of grievance and thought of resentment must be totally banished from your system first. For every friendship lost, comes stages towards healing and relief. It does take time and normally, no one can always put the blame nor pinpoint the accusation to somebody else. You have a part in your own healing and you need to recognize the worth of chances given.
I am different and has a fragmented take on this...so are everyone. I can never just pretend to go along and act as if I'm healed for I am not probably. A friendship taken by life's oddity can be taken back at a moment when you feel you can rebuild trust again. It could be my act of grievance, my thought of resentment but as I've said- it takes time. Life is too short indeed to be wasted on someone who can never do you any good. Nevertheless, life is too valuable to spend each moment re living a friendship that was not meant to be.
Be true always. It will help you think not of betrayal but of faith. Believing in the rightest things can spell a whole lot difference in how you see yourself. In the process, you will be kinder and genuine to friends and family. Value time and hope for the best.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
With every sound of these coins dropping, the old man knows how full the tin can has become. That probably, he is having his greatest day ever. People for awhile stopped this time not ignoring his presence, taking at least minimal interest towards a beggar who practically stayed and lived on the streets. For sure, it was not the first time some of them had seen him yet now they are there noticing him...giving.
As the beggar hears and perceives all these, the man who came before dropped by later that day. The blind man, knowing it was him, finally asked, "What did you do with my sign?" Then the man, donning his power suit and clean shoes so replied, "Nothing, I'd written the same thing but with different words." And then he left...
As for the sign? The beggar initially wrote these,
"Have compassion...I am blind."
then the man ended up writing these,
"Today is a beautiful day and I can't see it."
See, nothing can be taken away from someone who realizes things differently. It is true that life is a matter of perspective. You conceive something nice and positive, and the results would follow the same. Think of life as something negative, and you will end up perished and agonizing.
The man helped the beggar in the most simple yet rational way. He had not just given him a spare of change but a sign that would make him feel seen and appreciated. A very simple story but with a blessed end.
Friday, August 22, 2008
I'd written these words in my application days ago. It leaves me thinking how words can deny and defy you. Deny you of time as it can be a graceful solace; defy you of reality as writing gives you wordy fantasies. I thought, if there is one thing that would complete if not begin my journey as a novice writer, it has to be the 'Palanca'. I first heard of it when I was in college, year 1994, and it has been a passion, no, make that an obsession. So far, none of my attempts succeeded but I'm planning to write for it once more.
The first time.
Second semester, year 1994. A friend handed me the application, I wrote my piece,have it read by an English professor and I was told, "It wasn't good enough, better concentrate on speech."
The second time.
April, year 2004. I was on my fourth year as a housewife, I went to Makati and have my application personally made, I wrote a half-finished piece, and dropped out before the race even began.
The third time.
January, year 2007. I downloaded the forms, wrote a complete piece entitled 'Broken Fences', I have it read by friends, have the copies ,all three of them sent by courier, I waited and lost.
After a number of attempts, I decided not to join this year. All because, I have nothing worthy to write about. I have been waiting for the right piece...the seemingly perfect fragment of my creative self, as it whips into the air not mere letters but vivid words. Something that would keep me awake each time I scribbled lines of prose and poetry. A part which keeps myself hidden...and through which I can see all my senses justified and revealed.
If that would mean waiting for a number of years, then so be it. As long as I have in me the guts...no failure can ever stop me from doing what I feel gives me so much life.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I never really thought that writing would serve me this well. I am grateful that of all the skills available to man, I did have a share in it. I will never run out of words expressing the simplest and inconceivable joy I'm having; the presence of blessings that come my way each day and the kind of life I am living- imperfect, full of flaws and challenges. It takes more than courage, come to think of it, it takes tenacity and determination to say that "life is good....God is great."
The good Lord...as always...provides.
Happy Reading ! Ciao!
Monday, July 28, 2008
I remember one time, I told myself that I wanted to be this and that and this again,hehe. So many things I have wanted to achieve as if everything can be done so easily. That is how an eight-year old mind works..full of hope and dreams.
I remember wanting to become a ballerina, a teacher, a secretary even a stewardess....a writer. I recall wishing to become a figure skater or a gymnast or a child singing wonder. It's like when you're young...you feel as if anything is possible; that life is nothing but a playground. So whimsical, joyful, and immensely beautiful. You see things at its best and lightest moment; you appreciate people as if they can never do you wrong; you aspire as if it's the best way to live and you dream as if there's no tomorrow. MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS ARE LIKE MY GREATEST FANTASIES.
23 years later, I found myself simply as someone who holds in her heart these wondrous dreams. I never became a stewardess, gymnast or a ballerina but know what? I feel as if I am still young...full of hope and sharing a life filled with good memories of what I was before. I don't know, maybe life taught me that dreams never stop from becoming true..one could have taken a different path yet still you knew the precious token of aspiring for something new and good if not great. Dreams take shape and become varied along the way, it never fades...it stays.
I also promised before how I wanted my kids to fulfill the dreams, my dreams. But then I realized I should not think of passing onto them my secret wishes or greatest fantasies. A child becomes a child at a moment when she feels she can do anything, without having someone or anyone telling her what to do or what to become. I wanted my kids to have their own dreams, childhood dreams. I want them to feel how it's like to think and believe that there is one world out there ready to be explored and experienced. I won't make their dreams for them. I won't let my wishes become theirs. I want them to become someone who knows what it takes to live and be free.
Now, I am doing everything I can to become a writer. I learned business in college and graduated accordingly but dreams are like nightmares you know,hehe. It can haunt you but with a good feel. I still pause whenever I see ballerinas and gymnasts or figure skaters on TV, I still wonder and think of what could have happened if I pursued those instead. But you know what? If I cannot become any of those, it does not mean I can never be someone. I still can. I will. :)
Friday, July 25, 2008
Losing oneself (in a relationship) begins when small things go unnoticed. When petty fights and misunderstandings are being ignored simply for convenience. Convenience, in terms of saving each other's time; minding reasons which often mean, "I know your point- so you don't need to say it" kind of thing? Yes, at times, when we want to talk, as in talk, either the other shuts us out or does not really understand but pretends he did.
That's why maybe friends get along better than lovers. It's because in friendship, we make ourselves available; we listen. We open our minds and are willing to give without necessarily taking. When we meet and have known friends...we become ourselves to the point of being brutally honest. We pay attention at the same time, regard each one's welfare. Unlike in a romantic relationship, we seem to give so much...we end up losing both our hearts and heads.
Late last night, upon learning of my dear friend's turmoil, I end up saying this-
"If you're with someone(you deeply love) and still you're confused and unhappy, then something is wrong. If being with him/her means not being true to yourself, then you got to end it...it's hard I know but you've got to ask- Is he the one for you? Sometimes, we're afraid to let go of someone because we love them...but if it means experiencing hurt over and over, why stay? If loving that person meant losing your purpose and happiness, would you wait till you lose yourself?
Love is supposedly uplifting...it's there for a reason that's supposedly right.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Isn't it good to know that everyday, you'll have a pair of lovely hands to comfort you or slow your senses when its about to take a major dive? In my case- when I go on panic mode.
Isn't it great feeling the warm embrace when all else fail to come? In my case- rejection at work; unfulfilled goals, etc.
It's true that each minute is an escape of both time and love.
Time...when we want to do things for people.
Love...when we want to show and feel affection.
My first-aid kit came to me at a time when my bleeding keeps on non-stop. My first-aid kit came to give me gauze pads of certainty and love when I feel emptiness, no doubt. My first-aid kit came at a moment when breathing seems too hard, he gave me the pills I needed for confidence and will to survive. And that was eight years ago..My! How time drifts fast!
I know that somewhere, there are those who feel the bleeding. Some having their band-aids with them...while others still hanging on, waiting. The bleeding could be mild and scars proved dense, on the other, bleeding could be worse. However, as we seek to find cure and healing, be it through partners, family or friends, what we should never forget is that we can also be our own band-aid...our selves could very well be our own first-aid kit.
Lighten up and cheer up! Lots of reasons to feel happy about life. You may have never seen it yet for you somehow avail of thicker bandages in exchange for swollen egos or broken pride. Live and move on! Life is full of things that never run out. :)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
If there is one movie that could literally move me to tears, it has got to be “A Walk to Remember”. For some strange reason, the characters have in them the innate substance of real-life romance; it ceases to become the sappy, youthful love story but instead evolves into something that many people longed to have- a real take for one’s unforgettable love. I am indeed a sentimental, emotional individual but the scenes of said movie often reminded me of two young lovers, enabling themselves towards love’s greatness; valuing merely the time and reasons why two people decide to begin a journey, uncertain in itself.
There, we have Jamie, always a social outcast; with her intentions primarily defined by others through bible reading and sharing time with the unpopular kind. She never aimed to seek the approval of others, neither trying to put a mask of pretense to get along but preferred to be herself. Often do we find ourselves in her, at one point in our lives, we have become invisible in somebody else’s eyes, trying to be noticeable enough. How many of us had experienced trying to get along but only to find oneself in oblivion, departing from what truly matters to us as a person? Jamie is a living detail of what life often means- acceptance and self-definition.
Then we have the character of Landon, the typical famous kid in school. He gets along pretty well, did not even struggle but at the height of belongingness sees nothing in terms of direction and future. A free spirit, Landon opts to stay cool in front of friends but was raring to prove something to his father. Some of us could see a part of ourselves in him, too. How we tried to keep up with the face, hiding our innermost thoughts and insecurities.
It has been a usual movie for some but to me, the movie speaks of a love proved beautiful and inspiring all along. How the characters saw each other; the ways in which time and space brought them together; how they struggled in the middle of social differences and intrusion, these had been elements of a natural story that could have meted and told simply but still emotionally-moving and truthful.
My liking for romance and love stories is fairly usual, however, seeing it prompted me to read the book, “A Walk to Remember” by Nicholas Sparks. It has been presented differently and reading between the pages meant another thing for me-a deeper insight as provided by the words, creating features of both past and undying love. Watching the film and reading the book made me see the wonders of falling and really feeling for someone; how it brought you the memories of meeting the very person who will rightfully stay even in passing time. It’s like re telling a story the way a seventeen year old does…feeling the memories as if nothing changed… seeing again the days that will undoubtedly bring you smiles. To those who think of love stories as mere drag, then seeing this is worthlessly dull but to those who think of love as the greatest feeling ever known to man, you may see yourself either crying or relating if not remembering someone. I guess, you have to read or watch it yourself to really understand and for Mandy Moore and Shane West’s fans, the movie would be a delectable visual delight.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Back to the searching. As I rummaged through piles and stacks of old papers, I came across one flier- a copy of Sydney Harris' "Winners and Losers" compilation of precepts regarding what differentiates the one from the other and I became totally interested. I mean, everything that was written absolutely makes sense- not just one but lots of them and reading made me think...am I a winner or a loser?
To give you guys a preview of what 'winners and losers' is all about, I've decided to impart some of it here, through my blog; I want to feature at least one or two and discuss it a little bit, for in finding my capacity as a winner (or loser), I wanted to associate actual life learnings and tell really if I have been a winner? a loser? or in most part...both?
Here's the first one:
"A winner makes commitments;
a loser makes promises."
Commitment. It is really a big word. Come to think of it- many find it hard to commit for it means time and effort and total honesty. At certain things in our lives, we want to think we've committed enough; said the right things; wanted the right job; made use of our potential, etc. But the truth is- we barely know if what we've committed ourselves into were really worth-committing after all. That there is really no guarantee that our time, effort or honesty would take us far. What we know is that- we're committing for there is this rational thinking and subconscious feeling that a thing could have brought us all the favor. And we often go for it. We think we've decided rightly and committed either to a person, a career, a relationship, etc. for we felt we should. There's this invisible line we crossed leaving all inhibitions and second thoughts. In a sense, we are winners...for we never got afraid to try and risk. We finally accepted the uncertain and made it a certainty on our own taking. That folks....is commitment.
Promises. Uhhhmmmm...lots of thinking here,hehe. Well, I've made promises like you guys did but admittedly promises are mindfully big but heavily broken. Based on experience, promises are like bad gourmet food, very pleasing to the eyes but leaves a bad taste in one's mouth,hehe. I could go on and ramble about how promises are made and most of the time not kept, however, I think instead of giving promises, it's better to say no. Others may find it difficult or displeasing but it's far good to be frank and brutally honest than made a person feel and think you can be one reliable person. For in the end, you'll be hurting someone else and yourself. In the long run, your reputation precedes you and if you'll be labeled as the sweet-tongued, flamboyant jerk or poisonous vixen...then getting it off your back means a hell of hard work. I'd rather be perceived as the cold, lonely spinster (not! hehe) if it's really you...at least you're consistent,haha. Kidding aside, I mean, say no when you have to...it's one tricky world out there so you gotta gain your ground and be true. It matters really. It is your conviction that will save you from a lot of trouble. You may not know where I'm coming from, believe me. You gotta know when to say yes or no.
Winning in life doesn't mean we can't afford to fail for at most, we're winning at times when we do. We learn the hard way and each time we find our backs hard-pressed onto the wall...that's when we realize how commitment means winning in failures. It pays to commit and fall than promise and fall a couple of times more.
Think about it. :)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I also thought of prayers as my way of conversing with a friend...an imaginary one at that. Every time I feel scared or lost, I pray. Each day, when I have within untold wishes even secret keepings, I pray. My life is synonymous with prayers like one silver lining. It is my well of hope...my well of dreams.
In my early teens up till my late twenty's , I seem to pray for survival. My challenges then were insurmountable that my premier haven would be the church (in Baclaran). Whenever I feel weak and depressed; happy and blessed, I pray and render my heartfelt thanks. To me, my prayers relieve me of unpleasantness, thus, giving me the faith that whatever I am facing has it's meted end.
Nowadays, I pray not for my needs but for my husband, family and friends. I pray for their good health and fortune. I pray for their blessings and personal retribution. Anyone who had graced my life, affected me big or small, I pray for them...yes, even former friends, I still do. It was never an act of hypocrisy whatsoever for everyone must be blessed no matter what. I never wanted anyone to feel he has little or less in life. And if my prayers, even for the tiniest bit it could provide, I hope it would help. I will gladly pray for them as I feel for them too and are still important.
Prayers are powerful in a sense that it provides hope.
It gives us this feeling of belongingness...realizing that you are never alone.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I am the former and my husband is the latter (to a certain degree, I must say). We never really argued over it for we both believe in one thing- change. We know that in our eight year together, we are facing issues known to ourselves which need much resolving. We want to discuss how these changes can take effect and affect our lives long-term.
Last night...Mark and I... we're again having difficulty sleeping. All because we are somewhat thinking of taking steps towards a major change. I can't really point out details for they were personal, however, what matters is that we are talking, talking and talking. And last but definitely not the least, we are listening.
The bottom line? We are thinking of each one's welfare and happiness. That such cannot be gained alone; that in us talking things over means open-mindedness and resolution.
I want him to be happy.
He wants me to be happy,too.
I want him to succeed.
And he wants me to achieve something for myself,too.
As long as we know we have each other...with or without affluence...a risk is one we're willing to take to calculate not the numbers but the years we would experience together.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Too swift, for those who fear,
Too long, for those who grieve,
Too short, for those who rejoice...
But for those who LOVE...Time is eternity."
Have you ever wondered how you spend your time each day? Have you ever asked yourself how come time leaves us easily at moments when we want people and events to stay? It seems that time is neither a friend nor foe...for those who want it in their own terms.
It's no puzzle to those who knew me how I'd been as a stay-at-home wife for years. Many have expressed their surprise learning how I decided to remain at home, not working considering how competitive I was in school back then. Some have even commented that they never really expected me to be just at home and not pursuing a career. And most of the time, I am wondering did I really make the rightest decision for myself?
I must say it filled a cup if not a pitcher of bluish pressure. I started to question myself and my decisions. I even wanted to take a job just for the sake of having one unknowingly pressuring myself even more. I'm not putting a blame onto someone else's back but hearing comments make me somewhat vulnerable and for a time I have to discern my life in general in the most realistic and practical way possible.
It took a toll on me one time and I was more indecisive than before. My husband felt it too and he comforted me in ways he could ever knew. He often gives me assurance saying that he appreciates the littlest thing I do on his behalf; that his life would be a mess if I won't be there managing things around; that I am doing so many people a favor by sharing a part of me each day, extending my help to them unselfishly, that his life would not be that easy and wonderful if not for the little things I do for him. That part caught me, how sweet of him really.
But that was a year ago...when I realized my passion once more, I began to feel life breathing upon me. All this time, I am seeking for something that others imposed on me rather than finding something that would really inspire me. In my previous posts, I am elated each time I reveal my writing; the ways of I discovered this gift as well as relating experiences coupled with both anxiety and excitement. It was a process towards re discovery and affirmation. It was a moment of bringing the very inspiration I seek all along. It felt as if I'm a whole new person!
If not for my indecision, I would have never really wanted change. I could have faltered thinking I made time useless but in so doing, I knew of my other blessings. I should have never regarded time and thought of it as one expense. My life...our life is worth each minute or second. Whatever gives you joy or peace, be content with it. No matter how big or small...it pays to see beyond faces and places or ordinary things. For life is time well-spent with all the love taking its place.
I recall waiting for that moment and time graces so slow,
I remember being afraid of uselessness and time bent too low,
I made tears known and it flowed too long,
Love waved at me and made me strong.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
-Dr. Burke (Grey's Anatomy)
When a person loves, it's as if nothing ends. When a person falls deeply, he thinks of love as one fairy tale which ends so beautifully. The thing is we love and need to face the truth of rejection, anger and pain.
Read the words and you'll find it easy somehow to accept that moving on is personal too...just like love is.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
We have common friends. We also have a set of different friends, exclusive to each one's circle. We have managed to talk things out and sometimes fight it out like there's no tomorrow. Still, when things get ugly...either one gives in or settle for adjustments more so compromises. That's the thing about relationships, you need to believe in it even though outside forces deny you of it. You need to work things out even if you feel no hope exists for the truth is- there is. Always.
Opposites do attract. I attest to that like a priest in one glorious wedding. Mark is very optimistic and practical and I'm the opposite. I am sentimental and he is always cool and reserved. I am very organized with things while he acts like a slob (oooops...I love you!!!!). I'm interested in literature and he's into business; I'm the writer and he's the reader, of car magazines,etc. We never really shared an interest except for food and movies. We love hanging out together and chat before going to bed. And honestly, that's what I love about him,too. He is not just my husband for he is also my friend. We started out as friends and we are still...
Each time I'm asked by college friends, how come I chose him? I always say to them it' s because Mark is the only who can handle all of me. At times, when I feel that I'm losing control or in deepest pain, he is there unexpectedly. He knows when to give me a piece of his mind and heart to calm me down or lessen my burden. He gives me space and more importantly...he knows when to give up the oars and leave all else to me when I asked him to.
It has been a process, believe me. Seven years of seclusion is no joke and neither are repressed feelings. If there is one thing that I learned this year was to finally tell my heart out and make him understand what is it I want and how I want it. Mark became protective of me and I thought he's pulling me down... but eventually I found out that everything he has done is for my own good. And from that moment on...I am thankful for he is the one I wed and chose for a husband.
Whenever I hear couples saying- a partner in life is a lifetime friend, it's absolutely true. In the beginning, your love is overwhelmed by youthful passion and intensity that being together seems like eternity. However, when both of you matures in time and everything else around you changes, your husband or wife for that matter should not just be a partner but a friend. You got to have someone who can be with you and accept you when no one else can. You got to see his world and make him see yours. You have to tell him your limits and make him set his. It does not mean owning his mistakes or allowing them...it's making him learn the mistakes the way you learn yours. It's communicating beyond yourself and seeing your loved-one as a part of yourself.
For a brief period...I forgot it all and got confused. But at the end of the day...when I thought I'm alone...there is Mark...keeping his presence still.
If Mark and I were like the twin resolute desks from the national treasure movie, he could be in Europe and me in Washington. There could be puzzles and parts unknown or clues disfigured.... but there is no twin that leaves the other for good...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Honestly, I am not that bad,hehe. I couldn't hold my temper at times yet I definitely know when to stop. I could be very forgiving too. But timing holds the key to that inner fortress of silence and cold treatment( ask my husband, he knows for sure,haha).
As of this writing, I'm in sort of a dilemma. The last project I had was due last Saturday and after that...I'm itching to write again. I cannot bear the thought of letting this week pass without substantial work that I decided to hover across sites and references to find simply anything. This is a dimmer truth behind my so-called job- for all you know, you find yourself jobless in a week or so. Oh, My! Do I need to say bye-bye to those lovely pair of Ked's I'd seen two weeks ago? Tsk...tsk...tsk...what a waste.Thanks to my husband...he understands.(a million kisses to you,hehe).
Anyways, this piece is entitled- 'curiosity kills the cat' because I feel that lately, I have been either too mindful if not mindfully careless when it comes to my action and reactions and reactions again,hehe. It's like when I needed something done, I'm always in a hurry that's why I overlook some details and need to go back after doing some re-tracing( which means lots of work,too). In the end, I am filled with anxiety or worry for instead of doing what should be done, I end up doing what I think must be done, according to my preferences and all. The forgotten details will later pile up till they become noticeable. And to think...I...being overly cautious and meticulous towards work cannot apply it rigorously to practicality and that's where real hurt begins.
Now, my agenda...to practice patience a little bit more; make my work ethic translate the same thing towards my 'real' life and end up not being too curious or impatient...both for things known and unknown. Which means, a deduction from a number of poor cat souls whose bodies sprawled lifeless on street floors. Am I being too graphic now? Sorry, no harm meant at all.
Happy Reading!!! ( can't believe I typed that,hehe)
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Whenever I relate stories of my childhood, I cannot help but think of my good old elementary days. Honestly, I had fun in school. There, I met so many wonderful people and it relieves me to think that time has not changed them, most of them still remain as honest, sincere and fun-loving. You can obviously take away the innocence but some of the childish bruhaha somehow stays, when we're together,hehe.
Let me take you to one of the memories I have about this friend...
We became close only time knows when, and taken part in various contests when we're still studying. Crescinia or Nina to her friends, was one of the most hardworking students I know and excels in class always. We both are competitors that time but what makes our friendship seemingly perfect was the fact that we can get rid of our game on faces and be like children when we're supposed to. I also remember how we visit each other's homes after school or weekends, we play the infamous Chinese garter or jump rope, also hopscotch and hide and seek. Name it and certainly we played it,hehe. One of the things Nina did for me that I can't forget was when I got sick one time. I recall needing a copy of prayer/verses and she did give me one, patiently handwritten and delivered on time. I must say, that us being close, made us see each other behind all the books and tedious assignments or competitions. What's great is that- we never really regard each other as antagonists or mere counterparts. We are friends, that's all. No matters remain unsaid or bad secrets kept. Back then,we look for each ones' strengths and support each one's weaknesses like best friends do. Of course, we have other buddies outside 'our circle',that due to the truth that Nina is really a good soul. There's no mean bone in her body, I can say that with all sincerity. The more reason why I feel blessed to have known her not later but sooner.
When I first hand out a message to her online, I was glad for she remembers our good old days. We exchanged ideas, shared personal things and made revelations along the way. Now, she is back and I am so happy. At a time we lost touch and had no idea of each other's whereabouts, one could easily say it's one friendship down the drain. But as others used to say- There are no things lost that can't be found again.
Welcome back!!! nice to have you here.
Friday, June 6, 2008
The thing I love about foreign TV shows is that they can show you powerful emotions without creating too much drama; a scene can move you to tears without necessarily overdoing everything and the bottom line is...you get to see...appreciate...learn aspects in life thus making you think.
For those who never really know 'Private Practice"- it's about a story of a medical practitioner who decided to start anew in a place without life constantly whispering her past. It is actually a take off from another TV show, Grey's Anatomy but instead focuses more on Allison( the ex of Meredith Grey's Mc dreamy,hehe). Well, so much for that I think.
Now, let's go to the serious but enlightening part, of what my post is really about.
A person should get to have a whole life...what does this mean? The line stayed in my mind really simply because I also believe in making the most of what you have, in making things happen, in taking risks and grabbing chances if not chasing dreams. I was a firm believer of said things not till I decided to leave all else behind due to fear of what could have been. A mistake...I must say.
Each of us has a life to live. We are presented with options and given opportunities. At some point, we struggle to define what's out there for us. What do we really want in life? And setting priorities highly become hindrances or bumps in fulfilling our purpose in life.
What I'm trying to say is this- we have a life that's meant to be lived. A person must be able to see himself growing and stepping out of his shell to make things really happen. It's not about perfection or not committing mistakes. In fact, it's about learning how to make mistakes. Do not think of standards or the whys or hows, think of your life as a stone waiting to be turned.
Let me give you an example...if someone asks you, "what will you do if you only have 24 hours to live? Answers would come in different forms, sizes and shapes, of course. Some would say they'll take the nearest flight and go some place else, others would claim spending valuable minutes with those who matter to them the most, while some would just continue with what they're doing and treat it no differently, just like any other day. Those are answers from people who prioritize base on what they feel suits their life best. It's not about pleasing others or delaying the grudge but being yourself. You can get to have a whole life if you know where you stand now and how will you move from there. You can get to live life if you think less of ideals and think more of realities. Of course, life is a launching pad of anything, everything and you can expect all things possible to happen. But as always, do not be afraid to swim even though you can't for in life, mistakes can serve as your biggest blessings.
Hope that I made you think,hehe.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
So let's go back now to my writing...well, It's a passion, an undying interest that I know will haunt me for the rest of my days (do I sound too spooky,hehe). What I meant was, I abandoned it for some period in my past and every now and then, it seems so strange thinking how a voice keeps on telling me that writing will do me good and I will never go wrong with it (despite the criticisms, rejections, etc.) I guess, each of us knows what we're born to do, sort of, it's just a matter of giving in to it in the process.
Right now, I'm excited to inform you, family and friends, included that I finally realized how my writing serves me well, if not serves me best. I landed this project, my first that actually pays good money, and along the way I've experienced how hard yet satisfying my writing could be. The thing about freelancing is- you never knew how many projects would come your way; what kind of clients you're gonna deal with even the frustrations behind getting payments. What initiated me to pursue this, I must say, isn't financial at all. Believe me- I may be the kind who splurge on certain things like shoes or clothes (who doesn't? I'm a girl for God's sake,hehe) but when it comes to writing, I could be a little naive, dumb, easily-taken advantage of...in other words- I am willing to take the downside, embrace it wholeheartedly just for the sake of my first love. To me, as long as I can write, can share a bit of myself in whatever form be it through the profiles, essays,etc. I am totally happy. Yeah, you could comment that being kinda shallow but I don't care at all. That's truth of being me.
So, how do I treat my projects? Simply, I treat them as my own. Even though, there were some which leave you with no bylines at all, I still treat them special. I never settle for less. I wanted each written piece to have a personality in itself. A part of it must give me the gratifying smile after I re read it or there should lines/sentences in it which I would die of reading over and over- meaning...words which define myself as a writer, a patent through words, that's what I call it.
This may leave some of you wondering- what the heck is she thinking? Is she for real? I maybe wrong but I decided to say these since a close friend once said, "My God, Jinks! you're one of a kind, me amats ka minsan(in english? I could be on the verge of being sane or insane for I treat my projects like true-blooded children).
To justify it, it's no different with guys who value their toys/cars; girls who drool over expensive shoes/bags; a child craving for chicken or pizza; or moms wanting dads to come up with a surprise. Simply,it's finding your greatest joy in things you know you can do; knowing by heart that even if someone else's deems better, you take pride in believing that you and your work is something you created with forbearance and virtue. It's your work of art...your valued possession. But in it also comes the faith that whatever you delivered best is a feat bigger than yourself, for your gift comes from a higher power who appreciates you returning the glory. It's something I dare not to forget.
Do your best in everything you do...
For yourself, others and God's too...
For life is about exploring and searching, it's about letting your real self shine through.
Happy Reading! till next time!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
* doing things even if it's not yet time.
* doing them thinking it's God and Life's way of showing everything to us.
* but the truth is_ we're making it...doing it on "our time".
Yesterday evening till wee hours in the morning, I had a friendly chat, I must say a good one with a sister. We are traversing the road of perception and self- determination when the thing about permissive will came up.
According to my friend, a mate of hers told her about it. That sometimes people tend to do things, make it feel as if fate brought it upon themselves to relish...where in fact, they're nothing but self- inflicted injuries in the making. Ouch!
Yes, folks. I know, the truth hurts. It's nothing but denial plastered all over like a bad, tainted kind of freakish-looking wall paper,hehe. Yup, that's the main thing really. Ouch again!
Let me give you an example:
E.g. Let's say....you're sleeping in a room with only one window. You have managed to keep it close for months knowing that this bratty little sis of yours normally has the habit of pretending she's one superhero trying to climb anything unstable,hazardous etc. Beyond the window stood a lovely apple tree, already bearing these red,plump, appetite inducing produce which your sister does not only love but crave for. You told her it's better to wait for Dad picking some come Sunday than try to get it by herself...she pretends to have listened and walked out on you one day. So, you thought all else's settled but wait...
Sunday came. And the brat anxiously waited...she knew daddy will still get some but she can't pull herself together much longer...she decided to go for it and climb. As daddy turned his back, the sister run her way to your room, opened the window and tried to reach for the branch nearby. Guess what happened next? There goes she...bearing a number of ugly bruises plus a broken rib. Were the apples worth the risk? NO.
Permissive Will teaches us to respect time for its being and events for their happening.
We badly want things...people...events to happen.
We believe it's meant to be there for us to climb, reach or get.
We take the risk of seeing what our eyes only want to see...denying that somewhere lurks danger.
There are principles, I know and I believe in them too.
There are people and things worth fighting for...that's also true.
But if these things are voicing out a tinge of gray when it's supposed to be white...go and ask yourselves? Do you really feel...as in really that God's giving it to you? Can you honestly say that whatever risk your taking isn't a fruit of one's defiance to fulfill selfishness?
For God even life brings you whatever it is that is necessary. You are rewarded with blessings regardless of how such we're brought into your life. You need not force them to happen...
Unless you wanted a couple of nasty-looking bruises, too? A broken rib perhaps?
I don't think so.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I think it'll be too sad...
But again, life is unpredictably sound and anything can happen.
But how do we get to know them again?
How do we get ourselves from re finding someone who turned his back on us at one point?
Are second chances worth- giving?
I don't know really. Maybe...
Our feelings often lead us to thinking that chances must be given to anyone. For at the back of our feeble minds, we're thinking why not? We can still go on living even if we thought giving chances isn't worth the dime? There'll always be hanging questions prompting us to give answers to, even if it means hurt or even lies.
It's true that people around us play a significant part. If you're eccentric, some covert-loving individual, you can maybe go on alone. But if you are the ever unpredictable guy/gal, some people-loving, accepting, benign person, then you are ready for the worst type of beating ever- giving chances which could mean disappointment and moving on.
I guess, there is nothing wrong about giving chances.
Even if the person you had given it to doesn't necessarily return a good favor.
For what if such person really needs the chance?
What if the chance he/she's asking means a start he badly wants?
Think about it.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
But then again...here I am always struggling to survive whatever thing that bothers me this much. As far as I remember, every thing is fine except a couple of loopholes,here and there, but who doesn't have any?
I had a fateful meeting with someone who brings either bliss or pain. Yeah...that's right, some person who stirred in me both happiness and disgust. Who made me feel the extremes, nothing in between.
I thought I was done with the thinking but showing up just like that? Got to say, I was never prepared.
But then again...I know that after this, I'll be fine.
I'm too fly to be depressed ( remember Ne-yo,hehe).
I just hated this feeling for I'm supposed to be stronger now.
these I guess...is part of a higher plan...a test of endurance.
With me either giving in or not.
I will not. Never will I give in.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
It's nice talking of those days, our teachers, how we were with each other. It's a good feeling knowing that a part of us remains young and upbeat, that years did not take away the genuineness of things.
We grew and become us...today. Some had gone having families and rearing children. Some had stayed single but happy. None of which changed the fact that hanging out with each other makes us all glad. For a few hours from night till 4 am...we felt how memories stay no matter what.
If there is a particular reason which made me even happier was seeing my good friend...Jocelyn.
Back then, we were like a trio- I, Jocelyn and Ann Cheryl. We do things together. Eat lunch and plan things together. We're like the Yayas' and the Sisters. We're somewhat inseparable and up to now, Jocelyn remembers, how cool is that? :)
She showed me a picture of her daughter. And meeting her husband, seeing how they are towards each other...I see that she is clearly happy and blessed. She works as a teacher and honestly, I never imagined her being one...ooops! Sorry :)
With that being said...we plan for another outing next year. We think of doing something every year, for that matter. And I will always look forward seeing them all again and again.
Friends to me...they're not just anybody.
They're always somebody. They make you see what you are...how you'd been as days went by.
Friday, May 2, 2008
I don't know about him but my first thoughts were like: Yes! I could write, write and write at my pace, thinking not the inconvenience of doing it outside but the power to express myself with just a few clicks and all. So selfishly convenient, don't you think? hehe.
Anyways, I'm the type who loves doing my writing old-style. I keep notes, papers and notebooks where my first creations took refuge, and they pile up and end up in waste cans. Especially when your Mom forgot to ask you first if those were important. So, there they were burnt to extinction...thinking of them now makes me sad ( that? due to I, also being a pack rat,hehe).
Back to the topic, I have adopted certain habits when it comes to writing:
Like...I wanted to have my paper and pen with me...always ready as if I can't have hard copy.
That...I usually write about love, relationships, heartaches and pain, as if I write my best pieces when I'm at my emotional worst,haha!
That...I love doing it mid afternoon...with a mug of coffee on my side. Truly, caffeine fixes my mood.
That...nowadays...I love, no...I'm prompted to write very late due to inconsistent sleep practices.
That...while working on an essay...I would suddenly find my brains prodding me to write about something else...I have a limited attention span and my writing helps me widen it somehow,retain focus even for a while. Thank God!
Actually, the reason why I'm doing this is because I've been battling with writer's block this very time. I have set my plans and hopefully get started on essays I have been dying to submit but failed to do it for weeks now. I don't know...I'm not inspired and I feel a work done half-heartedly is not a good one at all. I'd rather take my time than submit mediocre articles buzzing rejection.
I read somewhere that the only way to beat writer's block is to write.
Even if it's all nonsense, the thing is- you are slowly motivating yourself to write at a much controlled pace...allow yourself to take time until every suitable factor gets back to life.
The motivation...willingness... intensity of emotions, concentration.
I even resorted to rewriting just to overcome procrastination and hopefully the articles will be ready soon!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
For starters, let me share with you a couple of good messages I received these last few days...
Let your minds dwell on these beautiful passages...
* "Every experience brings out something good. Good times become good memories, bad memories become good lessons.
You never lose , you only gain from life."
this is from a private school teacher who is also a good friend back grade school days.
* " we may sometimes wonder why friends keep forwarding messages to us. Let me enlighten you: we are all very busy,but still want to keep in touch; we have nothing to say but still want to stay connected; we have something to say but don't know what and how to say it; we want to let you know that you are remembered, important, loved and missed;
So, the next time you get a message from me, don't think of it as just another forwarded text...but rather...I have thought of you today! Take care!
this is from one of the most hardworking people I know...a very good companion back in high school.
* " Sometimes, we realize to change for the better just when the situation got worse...we realize to finally correct our mistakes just when those mistakes have caused irreversible damage... we finally decided to prove ourselves worthy when the person whom you want to prove your worth has already decided that you're not worth it at all...
Most of the lessons are learned when the test is over, that's how ironic life is."
this is from a dutiful daughter and sister...a very good friend who I am glad to spend my recent days...
* "We want nothing but the best. We ask for practically all the good things. Good things come in either small or big packages...but why wait for these to come...if you can make them happen."
this is from me....:)
Ciao and Tc !!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I can say that I, being a friend, is loyal and true. I am always sincere in knowing them and getting along is merely not a problem. I would like to think that I have a way with people, that I can really be of help whenever they need it and you won't expect me to leave you running when you're in deep trouble.
I guess, I have gained very great friends. Some of them, actually most of them, have been with me for years as in decades. I do not mind being with somebody, knowing him or her, I will always take time in dealing with them for befriending means sharing a part of yourself more so your time. It is an investment but such should not be taken as it is...what I meant was an investment of emotions, good ones at that and of course, accepting the entire person. It involves time which according to Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life...is the best expression of love.
So, what's my point?
I have a friend who I severed ties with. I have a friend who, I thought, betrayed me. When anger sets in, you think of awful things and you deny yourself of logic, that you end up wasting precious time contemplating on what he has done to you; how he wronged you, etc. It's bad...really. It's like when you're emotionally ill, you tend to be sick totally.
And when this facade of anger finally faded, I made a turnaround by apologizing and telling that person that I do understand. He did what he did for that's what the circumstances allow him to do. It doesn't mean that we can get back or be friends as if nothing happened...Of course, it also takes time.
Just the thought of being mad over something, saying what wasn't supposed to be said...kills me. It's more of living with the guilt that I allowed myself to be angry and incoherently pathetic by lashing back not the fact of whether my friend intentionally hurt me or not.
In the short run...I made amends. I compromised pride a little but I believed pride is a luxury not a necessity( I know some would disagree but we can discuss pride further on future posts,haha). I have had my constant worrying of whether or not I should do this or that, but I did anyway.
Sometimes, our minds tell us to do one thing with our hearts saying no...
Sometimes , our hearts make us feel with our brains uttering never...
That is my concept of push and pull.
A concept that is a dilemma but altruistic too.
The end of the story? Well, still unknown. If we can be friends or not, it's no longer my call.
Life is too short and making amends during my dying seconds, is practically not my choice.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
I said this and only this:
"Whenever I'm dealing with a loss, I cry until tears run dry;
I give myself a good cry each day...until I get all numb;
I do this for I need it, after a few minutes or so, I feel much better.
And after days of being a total wreck...I move on...leaving all else but memories.
Surely...they make you sad but as always...IT GETS BETTER."
It's true for me, you know. At times, I feel like I'm one crazy person, creating havoc upon oneself but the craziness makes me feel that I was affected and involved; that I being a wreck is not bad as long as sanity sets in after,hehe.
I mean...we always get back on track regardless of how hard it is.
Unbelievably, we always do...all because we know that at the end of the day, we have so many things to thank for and appreciate life beyond its' flaws and shortcomings.
We become stronger without realizing it. We continually struggle but then, we know that given the chance again- we won't change anything. I won't...for I know that facing it again means being myself once more. And the experience to live...to love...to hurt and forgive sums it all. Most importantly...the chance given to you is priceless even if it means a loss.
"memories make you sad...but it gets better.
In time...it always does. "
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My grandfather died October 2007. I haven't seen him for seven years and by the time I reached him, he was on his deathbed. I was severely disappointed of myself and endured three agonizing weeks. I literally cried everyday, blaming myself for things I did not do, if not chose to do.
I remember making a pact days after his funeral. I promised him that I would do my best to make most out of my present life; that I will do things and live my dreams anyhow; that I will never disregard anyone and live each day as if it's my last.
That is how I decided to write again...
That is why I am mending broken bridges...
In hope of making every day a proud moment.
In line of doing this, I came across people who re defined my days. I learned to smile and laugh, taking everything not that seriously, and I feel like after a long time, I found myself again.
I met people who made me re discover myself, that I am somebody and that I am important to others.
I have been with those who gave me problems but later on I realized that such only happens so that I could be better.
I made new friends and created new memories, ones which will remain.
I've been with those who made me see my present and in turn, thought of good old days; I once again re connected my youth and gained because of it.
There was a time when lines are crossed...boundaries lifted and it's like being a new person.
For a while, I became fearless. I do things without any guilt. It's living in the very moment...experiencing life the way it is. And I love it...
There are days when my happiness became so overwhelming, that I forgot about others. That for the first time in my life...I am willing to cross roads less taken and I am not afraid.
I am not sure if Grandfather would be proud, for I will still make mistakes.
But then again...He taught me one thing:
It is not about the pitfalls but the journey;
Walking the lines undaunted by anything.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
They're not hanging anymore, for I have come up with a decision to live my life the rightest way. It's true that I have stumbled and fell hard, and standing up is one work in progress. But above anything else, MY MIND SPEAKS NOW.
It could mean a hurt or a broken vow. It could mean restoration and relief. It could spell the difference between a past and a present yet I am deciding now for my future. For whatever life brings me, I am deciding on a fate that is the most suiting and right for me.
"in untying the strings...we either hold or let go...
we choose which is which...hoping that we are making a handiwork so beautiful.
Intricate and sensible."
Friday, April 18, 2008
Actually, it 's not entirely true for even their physique has changed, the looks, some has aged a little, the others have matured and my lovely cousins are all grown up now. How time really flies!
Since I'm done with my hiding and have decided to face what I feared for a long time, I felt relieved that most of them accepted me anyway. That past grudges have been left alongside the passing of time. Of course, it comes up once in a while during chit-chats but we lay most of them to rest since the passing of my grandfather. It's also true that for our family- one's demise proved to be a start to live ourselves.
Nowadays, I'm into rekindling old ties, mending burnt bridges with both friends and loved ones. All because, time has a way of healing that we sort of begin to understand what has happened, how everything has been blown out of proportion and how does pride and resentment ruined years of good old relationships. This is how I found my other sister. The Aunt who seems to be my twin, taking after her ways without knowing it myself.
My husband commented once that I am not like my mother. All because when we're together, you won't find any resemblance at all. Manner of speaking, it's like seeing a different daughter each time. Maybe because, I have lived only a couple of years with her...as compared to the years I spent with that of my grandparents and aunts.
Do not be mistaken but I am still my mother's daughter. It's just that finding my other sister is like bringing back a part of me that is too valuable to be taken for granted.
My Aunt Grace and I practically grew up together. She is several years my senior but we grew up in the family more like in the same time frame. I'd seen how she was with her suitors, even her mischiefs and rebellious ways, and she has been so good to me that I feel so comfortable with her. We became really really close.
I will skip the details of our rift for it's all in the past now. I regretted the time I never showed any appreciation for what she had done and again, I am apologizing for the pride and anger that came along with the fight. We were alike when we're angry and talking of it now, elicits laughs and smiles for we are indeed the same.
I'm not sure if we could bring back the old times. If we could be sisters again. We both have our families now and seeing her is like meeting a long-lost friend...seeing a special pal who's gone to some place and came back.
It's good you know...having you in my life.
"Pride is a luxury that we don't need at all,
Say sorry if you have to and do it properly,
Swallowing one's pride won't hurt...
It is a gain...never a loss."
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
She is Ms. Nerissa Cabral. I knew her when I was eight, after dropping from the first section, I became one of her students. And it was a blessing in disguise I think.
I never really assumed myself as studious or diligent that early. Besides, I barely passed my 1st grade subjects, obviously a non- favorite and a wallflower. When I started attending her classes, the new environment made me more composed, and accepting. I made a lot of friends and going to school was no longer a chore. Surprisingly, it was in my second grade when I started to really take some time and interest myself with learning.
I find her ways not boring. She encourages us to read a page or two from our books each day; always assisting other kids in reading to the point of giving us an extra time after school. To many, she would pass as typical, expectingly eager being her a teacher but to me, it's more than that- there is sincerity in her eyes; genuineness of thought and a concerned look each day as she faces us, her students. We feared her naturally for she is someone you would not dare come across. Seemingly...she knows the boundaries of teaching yet takes good care of us all like her children. I love that about her...
You've got to understand that my so called affinity with her is personal for she was the first person to make me realize that I am somebody. I don't know how it happened and for what reasons but Ms. Cabral had been the one who had seen this skinny, fragile looking girl and turn her into a vibrant soul...into someone who sees herself.
That because of her belief, I started to believe myself. When she made me join my first declamation contest, I could not believe, I'm actually doing it, preparing for it. She asked my mother's permission so we could train after school; she would speak to me as if I'm her age and correct every mistake with conviction. At eight, it appeared like I was playing but with a goal. That I'm slowly giving in to the process of improving and doing what has to be done to win.
After the competition, I went on winning not the medal but the confidence every eight year-old needs. I was changed from then on.
I am not relating this to remind myself of old glories. I am reminding myself of how I came to be with people who blessed my life tremendously.
It's not about my first win. It's about a teacher who taught her student discipline and respect.
It's about a teacher who changed a young girl's life as she went on to become what she is now.
A person who will never lose hope. A person who shares her life and self to other people.
I learned from Ms. Nerissa Cabral. She is my mentor. My first teacher. The "Morrie" in my life.
We do things for it makes us happy and fulfilled. We try departing from it at some point but it haunts us relentlessly- that's what happened to me. I tried denying my first love and after two decades, here I am, writing to my heart's content.
It was my dream and still is. Of course, I have not gone successfully like publish my own book or be recognized publicly but who cares? I am loving every minute I spend with my reliable PC. And to sit in front of it, typing whatever comes to mind is a personal bliss.
I have a long way to go and I feel that pursuing my dream, my first love will bring me fulfillment. I don't have to hide works beneath floorboards and I can leave my shoe boxes alone for good. For fear and rejection will always be there. I cannot control others as much as I wish, but if there is one thing I'm totally not afraid of doing- is to write and try my fate as a writer.
If others say that losing hope is tragedy in itself...
I also think that fear is...
Now, I am writing and is not fearful...
Who knows what I can and will do next?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Some find reading boring. But to me, I don't think I'll ever find it boring. It's just being in a zone where you read other's thoughts and feel the same emotions as if they're your own.
When I was nine, I wrote my first poem. Too bad, I don't have it now but the memory of it...still vivid. So distinct in fact, that it's like seeing this girl, in her little sun dress, sitting in front of the terrace, holding her pencil jotting down words. That was me, aching to learn anything...hoping that these 2-3 lines of phrases would be enough to pass as poetry.
Reading made me appreciate words as well as rain. How come? For there was this defining moment when I stood beside a window pane, holding my English book, hearing the spatter of rain drops falling. You may find this strange but I believe it was my first time experiencing focus. It's like amidst the noise of these tiny drops, with waters dripping and all, I found all else a comfort. Unbelievably, the rain became soothing like a sort of healing. That is why, whenever rains pour...I am comfortably at ease with everything.
It amazes me now- how I view these things. This is one of the reasons why childhood, everybody's childhood seems memorable. It reminds us how to see the smallest of things in a bigger picture. Taking it all in...just living for the moment. So carefree...wittingly innocent.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Here's an excerpt from the book: About releasing everything that holds us back from living our lives; accepting the present and knowing the difference between the desires and needs of our hearts.
"That is why it is so important to let things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."
It's like having a clean slate...getting back to square one. It is a step where most people dread of doing- starting over.
It is never easy nor will be. But one has to try or one will end up miserable than ever. Wallowing in pain is far more dangerous than drowning, for instead of instant death, you're living while dying.
We expect for people do. We always do. Even at the height of knowing we can't afford to, still we anticipate for it is a desire we keep. It is a want that we thought of having but does not necessarily need.
No one can ever tell you what to do; how and what to expect in life. Each step is made by your own feet...still, your life is too important to be wasted on desires that no longer fit.
Our desires....could make or break us.
Letting go is untying whatever cords binding us...from having that clean slate; getting back to square one...starting over.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Normally, it would upset me. But this time, I am left with no tears. After hurling like one loose cannon, I felt guilty and said sorry. Maybe, it was a little too late or maybe the one to whom I rendered my apology just can't accept it.
People have different thresholds. That point of limitation wherein she finds herself totally fed up. And once such has been touched and hurt, she totally shuts down. I did that several times too. This time, I don't know why...but I am not into shutting down, or giving up just yet, not until I said what is truly inside my heart.
I have friends who left with no closure at all. And being the person as I was, I asked for it. But when no positive response came of it...I gave up.
I have friends who stay with me forever- in heart and mind. And being the person as I am, I welcome it. And when no positive response comes of it...I never give up. I wait...
I know my limitations and after exhausting all means known to myself...I find my threshold's end.
When it happens, I let go.
There are people...coming in but seeking not their way out;
There are people...coming and leaving as their only way out;
There are those who leave with closure and those who leave with none;
Nevertheless...they are all friends acting like strangers...ones with faces unknown to man.
"when we let people in, let us think that they'll not always stay,
that they too banish like scent in mid-air."
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I am hurting and I can't deny that. I have weighed in the pros and cons of each situation and for most part...I'm being who I was...I am.
I've said that I try seeing goodness in people, preferring to have faith no matter what...But when does one let go of such faith? When one's belief should fade? I think faith is a value a person must try not to forget. For it is through faith that we see the strongest yields in contrast to our weaknesses. But as for every rule, there are exceptions:
-when the people you believed failed you big time!
- when you see that being around them causes you more pain than happiness.
- when they intentionally hurt you.
-when whatever they do makes you miserable.
-when tears...your tears keep on falling 'coz of them.
-and the biggie I think - is when remorse or feeling guilty and sorry for what they did no longer exist.
I am just human and I'm hurting to the point of experiencing mixed emotions. In doing so, I often retract and a part of me blindly believes anew but soon after, I realize that we are in a world of all possibilities; where "free will" also means the capacity to inflict pain and cause others agony. Sad but true...
So how does one move from there?
BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE BUT DO NOT OVERDO IT.
GETTING UP IS WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AFTER A FALL.
BE PATIENT FOR GOOD THINGS AWAIT YOU.
"a life of challenges is a blessed life after all..."
This is a song entitled "TWO WORDS"
In a while, in a word,
Every moment now returns.
For a while, seen or heard,
How each memory softly burns.
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows,
I thank God for yesterdays,
How they led me to this very hour,
How they led me to this place...
Every touch, every smile,
You have given me in care.
Keep in heart, always I'll,
Now be treasuring everywhere.
And if life should come to just one question,
Do I hold each moment true?
No trace of sadness,
Always with gladness
" I DO..."
Now a song that speaks of now and ever,
Beckons me to someone new,
Unexpected, unexplored, unseen,
Filled with promise coming through.
In a while, in a word,
You and I forever change,
Love so clear, never blurred,
Has me feeling wondrous strange,
And if life should come to just one question,
Do I face each moment true?
No trace of sadness,
Always with gladness
Never with sadness
Always with gladness
* Getting back is hard if you had once forgotten...but when old meets the new...the steps aren't difficult as one may seem.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"...a toy was given to a boy and he liked it a lot. As time passed by, the toy became dirty and old. The boy's birthday came and he received a new toy to play with. So he threw the old toy and played with the new one.
After a few weeks, the new toy started to break...he suddenly realized that the old toy was better...
now, he can never find the old toy and he had no toy to play with anymore.
Who do you think suffered much pain?"
* Sometimes, we never knew what we have until we lose them. That their presence seems unimportant to us...
We can never know the value of people around us unless they're out of sight. That their affection would never ran out. Somehow they do...
We can never make it a habit to get rid of old things and replace them with new ones...for you are not playing with toys...you are with the people who accepted you for who you are...cared for you the best way they could.
So, do not take anyone for granted.
One may also be hurting but remind yourself...
"When one leaves you, more tend to show up."
That the pain caused to you by one person is nothing as compared to the kindness others bring...