Sunday, March 23, 2008

an avenue of change...

We all have stories to share. What could have prevented us from doing so is the lack of medium if not listening ears. When I started this blog, I thought only of putting my ideas, sentiments and thoughts, allowing myself to be drawn into a realm, where I can be me, and have my feelings heard. I feel that every time I write, I am detaching my outer self and attune more to my inner being.

I have many great friends and they have stories too. We often chat about it, converse as if time is a luxury to behold. Having our feelings been brought out is wonderful, for it lets us see what our eyes refuse to see and let our hearts speak for us.

Now, I would like to invite my friends and share with them this avenue...for in my purpose of relating their's not only me who grows alone.

Friday, March 14, 2008

My Very Own Zahir...

I am currently reading, " The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho. And at first, I was thinking...what does zahir exactly mean? Here's the definition:

"In Buenos Aires, the Zahir is a common 20-centavo coin; the letters N and T and the number 2 bear the marks of a knife or a letter opener; 1929 is the date engraved on the reverse.
(In Gujarat, at the end of the eighteenth century, the Zahir was a tiger; in Java, it was a blind man from the Surakarta Mosque who was stoned by the faithful; in Persia, an astrolabe that Nadir Shah ordered to be thrown into the sea; in the Mahdi's prison, in around 1892, a small compass that had been touched by Rudolf Karl von Slatin...)

A very broad but indefinable definition, that is for me. And just like, the character in the book, I believe my Zahir is not a thing but a person...if not my feelings surrounding that person.

I once wrote that- you will never know how one truly affects you unless you let that person into your life. Letting all your guards down; accepting his/her flaws and even make them your own. In my past and present relationships with people, I have recognized their beauty and kindness hoping that as time grows, we would be growing too. That in the midst of this imperfect world, I can still be at peace with them having my best interests at heart as much as I have theirs. We pretend that challenges be it in our friendship or any kind of relationship for that matter cannot be bigger that what they seem to be- always ready to adapt and be kind to each other until we perfect the craft of weaving an interpersonal kind of mingling...of accepting. However, no matter how good you are in said craft, personal relationships do wither and die.

As for me, I have learned such a little too late. And absurd as it may sound, I cannot understand why I keep on committing same mistakes. Accepting then be left wounded regardless of how good my nurturing is. I cannot fathom simply how good people turn as not-so-good, defying the standards of what could have been a perfect relationship, even to your own standards I think. Maybe because, once you let someone in, someone tends to go out. Maybe once you let your guards down, they're seeing you for what you really are and it appears unacceptable to them.

My Zahir is someone who will affect me throughout my life, even if he stops existing. My Zahir will be the same someone who I tried accepting then end up not accepting me. My Zahir is a person who had tried to make me see what I long forgotten in life; make them remember and help me revive both the unseen and unforgettable. My Zahir will be the very person who breezes past me like a storm; stays and leaves with same abandon.

I am hurting...yes. I am bewildered too. I will always be asking the same questions and repeat them without any clue. As for my very own Zahir...I know and will continue knowing you.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

holding back the tears...

As we learn to deal with life...we keep hoping that everyone who graces our lives would be worth knowing. As it turned out, some are and some people aren't. If they turn out to be friendly and nice even great, we are indeed lucky...but if they turn out to be otherwise...we should be prepared.

I have met good people and glad I did. Till now, I cherish their friendship. I value their love and affection, concern and thoughtfulness. If there is one feeling that relieves us of all pain- that would have to be comforting and kind words from people. Be it a simple pat on the back; a warm embrace or a smile, it gives us this wonderful feeling that not all things are lost anyway.

I have met not-so-good ones too. I also cherished their time and effort but I'm not that sure if there is friendship or any kind of relationship involved. I also don't know how to deal with these people afterwards...since if you have been sincere all'll be hurt for sure if they turn out as not.

Regrets. One may choose to have none but it's hard to not have any. At some moments, you would feel the need to hurt and accept the harshness of men and their actions. Along the way of accepting, you'll be truly hurt that words come out like bullets out of nowhere. They're unstoppable as each tends to wound but never heal...

Yes, I thought regrets are not acceptable, but I'm having a hard time not entertaining any. Once you're betrayed and left bleeding...your wounds hurt even more and if ever time subsides the pain...there'll be scars to make you remember after all.