When things are readily served to you hot…you tend to have the first bite and when you do, it stings. Yesterday, I have found this wanting to write; to write down the things that bother me for a long while. I tried to shut everything out…deleted my Tumblr and my former Twitter account but every journey though seemingly endless, has to end anyhow…not in that end end sort of way but through a closure that I need. Yes, I need closure in a world that left me dismayed and demoralized. I am writing for I can no longer bear another day shutting up. That’s how I am and regardless of the reasons, my true self always emerges. This is I writing…this is my mind talking…this is me…basking in reality…not in glorified, re hashed or reused fantasies.
I have entered a world others normally called fandom. I have entered a world where I tried writing stories based on pure curiosity and imagination. I have enjoyed that world. I made good friends and have known people. I was simply happy. I knew where I stand, I knew where to go. I am just happy...
But if there is one mistake that I committed during the course of my stay…that would be to overly attach myself. To think that with my varied thinking and affirmation that I’m getting from others, the world we are currently occupying is nothing but family…not just an expanse or a simple space but some world where people understand each other for who they are and what they can bring.
A few months ago…I was confused by the fact that the “family” I belonged to was shaken…until some are branded as haters and bashers. To be honest, it would be easy for me to say- I’m no part of that or I did not say anything so why include me in the condemnation so to speak? It would be easy for me to say- persecute the ones who tagged and say bitchy things… but that…I would never do…I never did… for they are my friends.
In that family, we know for a fact that we are our own person. We are a group made of individuals; individuals with free will. We thrive in differences. We learn that we can never be the same and how we do things will never be the same. Each member has the freedom to express…we laid no rules, no leaders for in the first place, we are equals sharing a common passion…a common love. The action of one is his alone and for that, whatever that person did is his mere responsibility. To the righteous and perfect, this logic is too irrational that for them, we are doomed. To the righteous and perfect, being different sucks and since we are, they will never like us unless we start thinking like them.
What really dismayed me the most was the indifference we got from the perfect and the righteous. Because honestly, when I signed up for this, I expected no prison. I would like to believe that we are individuals who are capable to define right from wrong and while definitions of such are relative, it naturally means that what’s right for you may not be necessarily right for me too…
Expression is a responsibility and while I tap these keys, I can only imagine their inner gods and goddesses talking with matching furrowed brows. But since I am not mentioning names, the perfect and the righteous will think that they are the perfect and righteous ones and will bicker more. My only message is this- I left that world for I don’t need those types of people in my personal space. There is more to life than fandom and to be left alone by their inner gods/goddesses and inflated egos would be nothing but pleasure. And since I understand that their inflated egos will gloat, I will no longer prolong my agony by staying…therefore, leave me alone. And the heck I care to your inflated egos.
Every journey through a medium called fandom is like dealing with love and it is like family to me. It was once. In a fandom, you love...you are there for you like them at first then it deepens until you fall hard. Once your heart has invested too much, you expect, it is natural….you are human and anyone who says that he or she never expects is a clear hypocrite who is on his way to inflating his ego and feeding his inner god. Now, when things start to get tough, when your love has been slowly taken away, your first instinct is to deny that it is happening. You end up scared and therefore you tend to do anything possible just to prevent your fear from happening. Either you channel your fear through words or you are already satisfied when you slapped someone hard in the face. Defense mechanisms vary….and not all people have the moolah to enter anger management classes right away…I am not generally speaking for all…I do not have that inner goddess you know…I am saying this for this is how I know things and have seen others being like this… and if you’re unlike me or the others, good for you!
However, not everyone can be like you….not everyone has the same emotional system like yours. We are different as people remember. The way you eat your apple is different from mine, surely, we both bite but still the edges of our teeth do differ that once we take a bite, the once sweet and red apple bears different teeth marks.
I do have the liberty to disagree or express if I feel that something is really wrong but since this is I talking- I will normally rant first, channel my annoyance to the wicked person in my list who happens to be involved and then afterwards slow down. Yes, I am not perfect; don’t expect me to be one. But still, I will not deliberately attack one in my supposed family…I will not deliberately be proud and make him feel that he may be family but in my book, he is like my not-so-loved adopted brother. Naramdaman ko yun sa fandom na pinili ko. I felt it for people close to me felt it too. Sad but true.
I usually get remarks for being proper and nice with words…and yes, each time I do, I am quite surprised. Di ako mabait sa taong di mabait. That is my simplest rule in life. I have no plans of snatching the spotlight from Rizal in Luneta. I am no martyr. Don’t expect me to sit down and glorify the righteous’ words like it was the only meal I have in my lifetime. Never. For the righteous is not always right. For all you know, your inner god/goddess and inflated ego may be just an illusion or a bubble you created; some bubble made of self-inflicted right. So….where is this non-sense typing leads me? To nothing but my own closure…no one else…and if it happens that others happen to figure some sense, then that would be a bonus.
I started with fire and so much passion which is why I can’t readily fathom why I fell out of love. I was hurt, yes. I was not liked, yes. But it is not about the hurt really…it is about how my faith has been crushed… And my human heart can only bear that much. I am no superhero…I am just a fan fiction writer who tried…and it is not about my faith in the fandom…it is about my faith in myself…for when indifference became too tough…I started questioning why I was there…and that is one question that I cannot just undermine.
I had fallouts….and each fallout was excruciating…it feels like your spirit has been taken away from you in a snap. For when you start asking questions…when you begin to doubt…there is something wrong. For a love has to be given without any doubt. Love has to be present without any form of questioning…for that is how I am as a “lover”…that is how I love. And since I am no longer capable of loving that way…I know that I can never love the same way and I have to let go.