my concept of push and pull...

A few hours ago, I did something that made me realize how I am as a person when it comes to acceptance, in various aspects that is.

I can say that I, being a friend, is loyal and true. I am always sincere in knowing them and getting along is merely not a problem. I would like to think that I have a way with people, that I can really be of help whenever they need it and you won't expect me to leave you running when you're in deep trouble.

I guess, I have gained very great friends. Some of them, actually most of them, have been with me for years as in decades. I do not mind being with somebody, knowing him or her, I will always take time in dealing with them for befriending means sharing a part of yourself more so your time. It is an investment but such should not be taken as it is...what I meant was an investment of emotions, good ones at that and of course, accepting the entire person. It involves time which according to Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life...is the best expression of love.

So, what's my point?

I have a friend who I severed ties with. I have a friend who, I thought, betrayed me. When anger sets in, you think of awful things and you deny yourself of logic, that you end up wasting precious time contemplating on what he has done to you; how he wronged you, etc. It's bad...really. It's like when you're emotionally ill, you tend to be sick totally.

And when this facade of anger finally faded, I made a turnaround by apologizing and telling that person that I do understand. He did what he did for that's what the circumstances allow him to do. It doesn't mean that we can get back or be friends as if nothing happened...Of course, it also takes time.
Just the thought of being mad over something, saying what wasn't supposed to be said...kills me. It's more of living with the guilt that I allowed myself to be angry and incoherently pathetic by lashing back not the fact of whether my friend intentionally hurt me or not.

In the short run...I made amends. I compromised pride a little but I believed pride is a luxury not a necessity( I know some would disagree but we can discuss pride further on future posts,haha). I have had my constant worrying of whether or not I should do this or that, but I did anyway.

Sometimes, our minds tell us to do one thing with our hearts saying no...
Sometimes , our hearts make us feel with our brains uttering never...
That is my concept of push and pull.
A concept that is a dilemma but altruistic too.

The end of the story? Well, still unknown. If we can be friends or not, it's no longer my call.
Life is too short and making amends during my dying seconds, is practically not my choice.

BETTER IN TIME

A friend asked me once- how am I dealing with a loss? Do I ever get over it easily? Do I ever get to grieve and accept all for what it is?

I said this and only this:

"Whenever I'm dealing with a loss, I cry until tears run dry;
I give myself a good cry each day...until I get all numb;
I do this for I need it, after a few minutes or so, I feel much better.
And after days of being a total wreck...I move on...leaving all else but memories.
Surely...they make you sad but as always...IT GETS BETTER."

It's true for me, you know. At times, I feel like I'm one crazy person, creating havoc upon oneself but the craziness makes me feel that I was affected and involved; that I being a wreck is not bad as long as sanity sets in after,hehe.

I mean...we always get back on track regardless of how hard it is.
Unbelievably, we always do...all because we know that at the end of the day, we have so many things to thank for and appreciate life beyond its' flaws and shortcomings.

We become stronger without realizing it. We continually struggle but then, we know that given the chance again- we won't change anything. I won't...for I know that facing it again means being myself once more. And the experience to live...to love...to hurt and forgive sums it all. Most importantly...the chance given to you is priceless even if it means a loss.

"memories make you sad...but it gets better.
In time...it always does. "

In Crossing Lines

In a matter of months, my life was changed...I began to see why people do things...for what reasons...how a death could mean life...how a passing means welcoming.

My grandfather died October 2007. I haven't seen him for seven years and by the time I reached him, he was on his deathbed. I was severely disappointed of myself and endured three agonizing weeks. I literally cried everyday, blaming myself for things I did not do, if not chose to do.

I remember making a pact days after his funeral. I promised him that I would do my best to make most out of my present life; that I will do things and live my dreams anyhow; that I will never disregard anyone and live each day as if it's my last.

That is how I decided to write again...
That is why I am mending broken bridges...
In hope of making every day a proud moment.

In line of doing this, I came across people who re defined my days. I learned to smile and laugh, taking everything not that seriously, and I feel like after a long time, I found myself again.

I met people who made me re discover myself, that I am somebody and that I am important to others.
I have been with those who gave me problems but later on I realized that such only happens so that I could be better.
I made new friends and created new memories, ones which will remain.
I've been with those who made me see my present and in turn, thought of good old days; I once again re connected my youth and gained because of it.


There was a time when lines are crossed...boundaries lifted and it's like being a new person.
For a while, I became fearless. I do things without any guilt. It's living in the very moment...experiencing life the way it is. And I love it...

There are days when my happiness became so overwhelming, that I forgot about others. That for the first time in my life...I am willing to cross roads less taken and I am not afraid.


I am not sure if Grandfather would be proud, for I will still make mistakes.
But then again...He taught me one thing:
It is not about the pitfalls but the journey;
Walking the lines undaunted by anything.

DECISIONS.

Decisions in life are like hanging threads. You have to choose and use them to make a perfect if not almost perfect handiwork. I was made to choose from the unlikely to the most favorable threads and I have decided- for the best not of my self but of the people around me.

They're not hanging anymore, for I have come up with a decision to live my life the rightest way. It's true that I have stumbled and fell hard, and standing up is one work in progress. But above anything else, MY MIND SPEAKS NOW.

It could mean a hurt or a broken vow. It could mean restoration and relief. It could spell the difference between a past and a present yet I am deciding now for my future. For whatever life brings me, I am deciding on a fate that is the most suiting and right for me.

"in untying the strings...we either hold or let go...
we choose which is which...hoping that we are making a handiwork so beautiful.
Intricate and sensible."

My Other Sister

I took my seven year- leave...away from people who I had a misunderstanding with. Yes, seven years and a lot happened that once I left my reprieve for good, it's like meeting new friends with same old faces.

Actually, it 's not entirely true for even their physique has changed, the looks, some has aged a little, the others have matured and my lovely cousins are all grown up now. How time really flies!

Since I'm done with my hiding and have decided to face what I feared for a long time, I felt relieved that most of them accepted me anyway. That past grudges have been left alongside the passing of time. Of course, it comes up once in a while during chit-chats but we lay most of them to rest since the passing of my grandfather. It's also true that for our family- one's demise proved to be a start to live ourselves.

Nowadays, I'm into rekindling old ties, mending burnt bridges with both friends and loved ones. All because, time has a way of healing that we sort of begin to understand what has happened, how everything has been blown out of proportion and how does pride and resentment ruined years of good old relationships. This is how I found my other sister. The Aunt who seems to be my twin, taking after her ways without knowing it myself.

My husband commented once that I am not like my mother. All because when we're together, you won't find any resemblance at all. Manner of speaking, it's like seeing a different daughter each time. Maybe because, I have lived only a couple of years with her...as compared to the years I spent with that of my grandparents and aunts.

Do not be mistaken but I am still my mother's daughter. It's just that finding my other sister is like bringing back a part of me that is too valuable to be taken for granted.

My Aunt Grace and I practically grew up together. She is several years my senior but we grew up in the family more like in the same time frame. I'd seen how she was with her suitors, even her mischiefs and rebellious ways, and she has been so good to me that I feel so comfortable with her. We became really really close.

I will skip the details of our rift for it's all in the past now. I regretted the time I never showed any appreciation for what she had done and again, I am apologizing for the pride and anger that came along with the fight. We were alike when we're angry and talking of it now, elicits laughs and smiles for we are indeed the same.

I'm not sure if we could bring back the old times. If we could be sisters again. We both have our families now and seeing her is like meeting a long-lost friend...seeing a special pal who's gone to some place and came back.

It's good you know...having you in my life.


"Pride is a luxury that we don't need at all,
Say sorry if you have to and do it properly,
Swallowing one's pride won't hurt...
It is a gain...never a loss."

The "Morrie" in my life

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom was the first book I bought after moving in to my new home. I watched it once on cable, and I find it emotionally riveting. It's about a professor's relationship with that of a former student, more so a friend, who after years of absence, found their way again. And honestly, it made me want to see my second grade teacher.

She is Ms. Nerissa Cabral. I knew her when I was eight, after dropping from the first section, I became one of her students. And it was a blessing in disguise I think.

I never really assumed myself as studious or diligent that early. Besides, I barely passed my 1st grade subjects, obviously a non- favorite and a wallflower. When I started attending her classes, the new environment made me more composed, and accepting. I made a lot of friends and going to school was no longer a chore. Surprisingly, it was in my second grade when I started to really take some time and interest myself with learning.

I find her ways not boring. She encourages us to read a page or two from our books each day; always assisting other kids in reading to the point of giving us an extra time after school. To many, she would pass as typical, expectingly eager being her a teacher but to me, it's more than that- there is sincerity in her eyes; genuineness of thought and a concerned look each day as she faces us, her students. We feared her naturally for she is someone you would not dare come across. Seemingly...she knows the boundaries of teaching yet takes good care of us all like her children. I love that about her...

You've got to understand that my so called affinity with her is personal for she was the first person to make me realize that I am somebody. I don't know how it happened and for what reasons but Ms. Cabral had been the one who had seen this skinny, fragile looking girl and turn her into a vibrant soul...into someone who sees herself.

That because of her belief, I started to believe myself. When she made me join my first declamation contest, I could not believe, I'm actually doing it, preparing for it. She asked my mother's permission so we could train after school; she would speak to me as if I'm her age and correct every mistake with conviction. At eight, it appeared like I was playing but with a goal. That I'm slowly giving in to the process of improving and doing what has to be done to win.
After the competition, I went on winning not the medal but the confidence every eight year-old needs. I was changed from then on.

I am not relating this to remind myself of old glories. I am reminding myself of how I came to be with people who blessed my life tremendously.
It's not about my first win. It's about a teacher who taught her student discipline and respect.
It's about a teacher who changed a young girl's life as she went on to become what she is now.
A person who will never lose hope. A person who shares her life and self to other people.

I learned from Ms. Nerissa Cabral. She is my mentor. My first teacher. The "Morrie" in my life.

In pursuit of my dreams...

It was barely five months ago, when I decided to pursue my first love- writing. Growing up, I knew I want to be a writer but being in a family and place where I was, it was quite unexpected of me. I never let anyone see what I'd written, I store my drafts beneath loosen floorboards or shoe boxes, fearing that anyone would see. Thinking of it now, I am ashamed that I did what I did due to fear and rejection.

We do things for it makes us happy and fulfilled. We try departing from it at some point but it haunts us relentlessly- that's what happened to me. I tried denying my first love and after two decades, here I am, writing to my heart's content.

It was my dream and still is. Of course, I have not gone successfully like publish my own book or be recognized publicly but who cares? I am loving every minute I spend with my reliable PC. And to sit in front of it, typing whatever comes to mind is a personal bliss.

I have a long way to go and I feel that pursuing my dream, my first love will bring me fulfillment. I don't have to hide works beneath floorboards and I can leave my shoe boxes alone for good. For fear and rejection will always be there. I cannot control others as much as I wish, but if there is one thing I'm totally not afraid of doing- is to write and try my fate as a writer.

If others say that losing hope is tragedy in itself...
I also think that fear is...
Now, I am writing and is not fearful...
Who knows what I can and will do next?
Simply anything!

a memoir...

I remember how I enjoyed reading when I was young. Books for me provide a different kind of sanctuary...a haven where time is yours for the taking.

Some find reading boring. But to me, I don't think I'll ever find it boring. It's just being in a zone where you read other's thoughts and feel the same emotions as if they're your own.

When I was nine, I wrote my first poem. Too bad, I don't have it now but the memory of it...still vivid. So distinct in fact, that it's like seeing this girl, in her little sun dress, sitting in front of the terrace, holding her pencil jotting down words. That was me, aching to learn anything...hoping that these 2-3 lines of phrases would be enough to pass as poetry.

Reading made me appreciate words as well as rain. How come? For there was this defining moment when I stood beside a window pane, holding my English book, hearing the spatter of rain drops falling. You may find this strange but I believe it was my first time experiencing focus. It's like amidst the noise of these tiny drops, with waters dripping and all, I found all else a comfort. Unbelievably, the rain became soothing like a sort of healing. That is why, whenever rains pour...I am comfortably at ease with everything.

It amazes me now- how I view these things. This is one of the reasons why childhood, everybody's childhood seems memorable. It reminds us how to see the smallest of things in a bigger picture. Taking it all in...just living for the moment. So carefree...wittingly innocent.

Total Surrender.

As I've mentioned before, I was then reading this great book by Paulo Coelho entitled "The Zahir". Finishing it is like breathing new air, for I can somehow relate to it and in one fell swoop, I found lessons worth- living.

Here's an excerpt from the book: About releasing everything that holds us back from living our lives; accepting the present and knowing the difference between the desires and needs of our hearts.

"That is why it is so important to let things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."

It's like having a clean slate...getting back to square one. It is a step where most people dread of doing- starting over.

It is never easy nor will be. But one has to try or one will end up miserable than ever. Wallowing in pain is far more dangerous than drowning, for instead of instant death, you're living while dying.

We expect for people do. We always do. Even at the height of knowing we can't afford to, still we anticipate for it is a desire we keep. It is a want that we thought of having but does not necessarily need.

No one can ever tell you what to do; how and what to expect in life. Each step is made by your own feet...still, your life is too important to be wasted on desires that no longer fit.

Our desires....could make or break us.
Letting go is untying whatever cords binding us...from having that clean slate; getting back to square one...starting over.

Of friends and faces

People like seasons come and go. They grace your life then leave. On your part, you wanted to end it amicably as much as possible even to the point of taking out the pride, thus giving in. I did it but to no avail.

Normally, it would upset me. But this time, I am left with no tears. After hurling like one loose cannon, I felt guilty and said sorry. Maybe, it was a little too late or maybe the one to whom I rendered my apology just can't accept it.

People have different thresholds. That point of limitation wherein she finds herself totally fed up. And once such has been touched and hurt, she totally shuts down. I did that several times too. This time, I don't know why...but I am not into shutting down, or giving up just yet, not until I said what is truly inside my heart.

I have friends who left with no closure at all. And being the person as I was, I asked for it. But when no positive response came of it...I gave up.

I have friends who stay with me forever- in heart and mind. And being the person as I am, I welcome it. And when no positive response comes of it...I never give up. I wait...

I know my limitations and after exhausting all means known to myself...I find my threshold's end.
When it happens, I let go.

There are people...coming in but seeking not their way out;
There are people...coming and leaving as their only way out;
There are those who leave with closure and those who leave with none;
Nevertheless...they are all friends acting like strangers...ones with faces unknown to man.

"when we let people in, let us think that they'll not always stay,
that they too banish like scent in mid-air."

learning a thing or two...

These past days have been tough, for me. I've dealt emotional blows too many, that I've actually thought I'm going crazy. As you can notice, my recent posts has something to do with relationships, moving on, letting go. All because that is the very road a person has to take when she's hurting.

I am hurting and I can't deny that. I have weighed in the pros and cons of each situation and for most part...I'm being who I was...I am.

I've said that I try seeing goodness in people, preferring to have faith no matter what...But when does one let go of such faith? When one's belief should fade? I think faith is a value a person must try not to forget. For it is through faith that we see the strongest yields in contrast to our weaknesses. But as for every rule, there are exceptions:

-when the people you believed failed you big time!
- when you see that being around them causes you more pain than happiness.
- when they intentionally hurt you.
-when whatever they do makes you miserable.
-when tears...your tears keep on falling 'coz of them.
-and the biggie I think - is when remorse or feeling guilty and sorry for what they did no longer exist.

I am just human and I'm hurting to the point of experiencing mixed emotions. In doing so, I often retract and a part of me blindly believes anew but soon after, I realize that we are in a world of all possibilities; where "free will" also means the capacity to inflict pain and cause others agony. Sad but true...

So how does one move from there?

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE BUT DO NOT OVERDO IT.

GETTING UP IS WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AFTER A FALL.

BE PATIENT FOR GOOD THINGS AWAIT YOU.

"a life of challenges is a blessed life after all..."

getting back....

This is a song entitled "TWO WORDS"

In a while, in a word,
Every moment now returns.
For a while, seen or heard,
How each memory softly burns.
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows,
I thank God for yesterdays,
How they led me to this very hour,
How they led me to this place...

Every touch, every smile,
You have given me in care.
Keep in heart, always I'll,
Now be treasuring everywhere.

And if life should come to just one question,
Do I hold each moment true?
No trace of sadness,
Always with gladness
" I DO..."

Now a song that speaks of now and ever,
Beckons me to someone new,
Unexpected, unexplored, unseen,
Filled with promise coming through.
In a while, in a word,
You and I forever change,
Love so clear, never blurred,
Has me feeling wondrous strange,

And if life should come to just one question,
Do I face each moment true?
No trace of sadness,
Always with gladness
'I DO'

Never with sadness
Always with gladness
'I DO'

* Getting back is hard if you had once forgotten...but when old meets the new...the steps aren't difficult as one may seem.

"just read and learn..."

This is from a text message I received earlier. I thought of sharing it here:

"...a toy was given to a boy and he liked it a lot. As time passed by, the toy became dirty and old. The boy's birthday came and he received a new toy to play with. So he threw the old toy and played with the new one.

After a few weeks, the new toy started to break...he suddenly realized that the old toy was better...
now, he can never find the old toy and he had no toy to play with anymore.

Who do you think suffered much pain?"

* Sometimes, we never knew what we have until we lose them. That their presence seems unimportant to us...

We can never know the value of people around us unless they're out of sight. That their affection would never ran out. Somehow they do...

We can never make it a habit to get rid of old things and replace them with new ones...for you are not playing with toys...you are with the people who accepted you for who you are...cared for you the best way they could.

So, do not take anyone for granted.

One may also be hurting but remind yourself...

"When one leaves you, more tend to show up."
That the pain caused to you by one person is nothing as compared to the kindness others bring...

Happiness In You

Being happy is a matter of perspective, others did say. It is also a matter of choice.Happiness is the only thing everyone aims for- be it in their personal lives or career. And there is nothing wrong asking or needing it for happiness is man's ultimate satisfaction.

I'm the kind who do value people and relationships too much. I am one of those who feel that the capacity to show concern is innate in all of us. We can have friends in total strangers and love our enemies if one decides to. I am all about spreading love in hope of receiving love too. Am I too dependent on other people since I am somewhat expecting rewards in knowing and befriending them? One may argue that is one form of selfishness but I disagree still. For whenever I lend my ears to someone, I am for the listening; whenever I listen...I try to understand.

Being the kind of person I am, I can say I am happy each time I meet friends and chat with them. Update each other with current affairs, feeling extremely happy if I learned they're doing really really well in their lives. I can say that I don't mind staying in a coffee shop and freely talk as if we're the only ones present, speak our minds and hearts out, connecting and re connecting some more. That to me is the dynamics of socializing, if not be friending. For in any type of relationship, communicating serves as the ever flowing fountain of concern and love.

I believe that my happiness is partly achieved through people I meet and have a relationship with. They could be my source of strength and courage when all else fail. They could inspire me to do better and never stop dreaming. They could hold my hand when I need comfort and embrace my weaknesses. They could see me in ways no one else can. They could point out bad habits and make me change them. They could remind me of what I had never seen or failed to see. They are the very people who makes me appreciate life and makes me live it even more.

My happiness is both a choice and a matter of perspective. I find it in people who are important to me, the ones who remind me how to be human each day.

That I am happy knowing that I gained friends and loved-ones and every chance of knowing them, is a choice I'll gladly have.

love thoughts...

I know I'm one hopeless romantic. When I was still single, I often think of love as magic. Maybe my thing for romanticism comes from what I witnessed on others' stories- how they began, progress and end. As always, I aim for a perfect, happy ending. I guess, everyone wants that for themselves.

I've written articles about love. How such is a game where only the strong fits in. It's also true, I guess. For when you are loving someone, you give your best, hoping that you'll be loved back. It is just plain sad that not all relationships last. That hearts are broken along the way and harboring the hurt is doubly difficult. It's like losing a part of yourself too. Breaking apart from what your heart desires. Simply, when one is hurting, no advice is deemed understandable or comprehensive enough.

If knowing that you lost someone is terrible, what more the healing; moving on. Friends can give you their best advice, people can say what's rational and must be done yet it is just not easy. Of course, it takes time. It takes guts and acceptance. None of which comes convenient at a time but when you do start moving on, you'll know you're healing alongside it. It is always tough and painful, it is always a dreaded path where no one wants to go, but just like life- you need to.

When I was younger, I believe that there's always someone meant for you. It may not be what your heart desires, but once you leave all based on what they are, you'll learn that what you have is truly what love meant for you to have.

Never ignore the one who's beside you. Do not overlook the soul nearest you...for he/she could be the one for you.

Continue loving and have no regrets in loving someone, be it a happy or sad ending. What matters is that you know how to.

Yes, it is a game but it doesn't have to be about winning after all.

Thoughts....

At age 31, I seem to find how things really work for me. For instance, how my writing helps me relieve stress, get rid of unwanted feelings, pour out my anger if I can't help but be upset about people, their ways or even mine. How my life passes through a needle of ups and downs as well as bump elbows with the least likable or unexpected.

For awhile, I thought of being free- from the grasps of social judgment. How others can easily put you down by their words. In time, I learned to go around and be with them, for as much as I want to deny, their words also benefit me.

These days past, I'm into reliving memories. With those who affected me the most either good or bad. My emotions sometimes get the worst out of me but still after lots of crying, crying and crying some more, I often relieve myself from the so called pangs of pain.

Here are some of my thoughts this week:

* " I stopped being who I was, for in loving you... I become who I am."

*" All my life, I do things based on what I know is right, still I end up losing.
When I somehow started it wrong, I end up discovering what seems to be the rightest thing."

* " We held ourselves captive of promises, when in fact, we know it can't always be kept."

*" Love. How I think my efforts must be rewarded. Either by submission, gratitude or recognition. When it's like buying love instead of earning it back."

* " Do not think, for once, you are not being loved. But of how you came to love yourself."

These are my random thoughts. All of which are defined by my experiences. I write about them to not be reminded of the ache or pain... but to see how I move from there.