My Very Own Zahir...

I am currently reading, " The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho. And at first, I was thinking...what does zahir exactly mean? Here's the definition:

"In Buenos Aires, the Zahir is a common 20-centavo coin; the letters N and T and the number 2 bear the marks of a knife or a letter opener; 1929 is the date engraved on the reverse.
(In Gujarat, at the end of the eighteenth century, the Zahir was a tiger; in Java, it was a blind man from the Surakarta Mosque who was stoned by the faithful; in Persia, an astrolabe that Nadir Shah ordered to be thrown into the sea; in the Mahdi's prison, in around 1892, a small compass that had been touched by Rudolf Karl von Slatin...)

A very broad but indefinable definition, that is for me. And just like, the character in the book, I believe my Zahir is not a thing but a person...if not my feelings surrounding that person.

I once wrote that- you will never know how one truly affects you unless you let that person into your life. Letting all your guards down; accepting his/her flaws and even make them your own. In my past and present relationships with people, I have recognized their beauty and kindness hoping that as time grows, we would be growing too. That in the midst of this imperfect world, I can still be at peace with them having my best interests at heart as much as I have theirs. We pretend that challenges be it in our friendship or any kind of relationship for that matter cannot be bigger that what they seem to be- always ready to adapt and be kind to each other until we perfect the craft of weaving an interpersonal kind of mingling...of accepting. However, no matter how good you are in said craft, personal relationships do wither and die.

As for me, I have learned such a little too late. And absurd as it may sound, I cannot understand why I keep on committing same mistakes. Accepting then be left wounded regardless of how good my nurturing is. I cannot fathom simply how good people turn as not-so-good, defying the standards of what could have been a perfect relationship, even to your own standards I think. Maybe because, once you let someone in, someone tends to go out. Maybe once you let your guards down, they're seeing you for what you really are and it appears unacceptable to them.

My Zahir is someone who will affect me throughout my life, even if he stops existing. My Zahir will be the same someone who I tried accepting then end up not accepting me. My Zahir is a person who had tried to make me see what I long forgotten in life; make them remember and help me revive both the unseen and unforgettable. My Zahir will be the very person who breezes past me like a storm; stays and leaves with same abandon.

I am hurting...yes. I am bewildered too. I will always be asking the same questions and repeat them without any clue. As for my very own Zahir...I know and will continue knowing you.